A World Where Desi Women Want Indian Men
January 7th, 2008
[Blogger: S.I.] It’s what we’ve always imagined, right? But, it’s not as glamorous as it seems, as this BBC.com story details.
I suppose I was callow when I felt a twinge of joy, snickering like a freshman while I read this piece. I mean, here we are, starving for brown women, and these cats back in the motherland are getting paid to lay them. At least someone’s paying the rent. And looking at these genetic jackhammers in the photo, the average (or even kind of below average) desi man would decry his exclusion from this “has sex with Indian women–more than once–while earning the rupees” club.
But, put your dandiya down, step back, and ponder. As funny as this looks, it could signal a change in India’s culture and future. But, before all that:
We’re at the point where mild-mannered Indian women are comfortable paying for sex?
Questions swirled through my now-overstimulated brain (which I typed as “brian” three times in a row. Definitely overstimulated). Initially, I wondered how these guys could complain. But, when you read that they are often cheated out of money, threatened by clients who say they’ll finger them as rapists, or physically abused by some real kinky “Johns” (Joans? Jayas?), not to mention likely assaulted by the jealous husband who finds out on occasion, it’s not exactly as hedonistic as it sounds. They also risk infection from a number of diseases, among them HIV–part of this is because, when business is slow, these guys sometimes have to go gay for pay (a term used for straight male porn actors who do gay porn for the money…why do I know this?). Surprising at first, these guys actually are relatively well-educated and from decent backgrounds, not squalor. But when you have women willing to pay for sex, you probably snicker like I did, drop everything to make the money, and there’s no going back to your previous vocation. Once you’re in, it sounds like you’re stuck.
I wonder how Indian women came to paying for sex. I’m sure this had been happening to some degree from the beginning of time. But in recent times, the number of gigolos has gone up, the article says. I assume that, with more money in the country, there’s now a higher number of wealthy women or women with access to wealth. Indians work more hours than ever before, and if the men are the sole chapati-winners, the lonely and oft-neglected women are home with a lot of free time, a lot of money, and a lot of reasons to use their internet and cell phones. And many gigolos attract their Jayas through newspaper classifieds, but also through email, chat rooms, and phone calls. I feel like some old school uncle preaching to the kids when I think of how we have indeed imported more than just jobs from the West; we’ve acquired some values as well.
Hold on, don’t bludgeon me just yet. Despite the extremely taboo nature of sex, sexuality in general, and especially prostitution, India didn’t get to 1.2 billion through chastity. Prostitution and exploitation have been there as long as we have. And what these women are doing isn’t all that different from a neglected and lonely woman anywhere. They seek out the attention they wish their husbands would give them. They want companionship and passion, something not unlike “love.” It strikes me as odd that women have to pay for sex, because you can find a man to have sex with anything. But these ladies fork over the paisa because they desire a halfway decent and educated man, probably somewhat like their husbands–the kind who may not go for an older and potentially unattractive lady. Or maybe they never developed the requisite skills to lure a man, to pursue one actively.
So why is it so strange that Indian women are doing the same thing that women all over the world do? Surely in the US, it’s rare when you’re surprised by extramarital activities. Well, let’s start by clarifying that, contrary to my wildest fantasy, the women hiring these gigolos aren’t young hotties. They’re older aunties. I imagine that in America, women’s sex lives extend past age 40, but in India? Somehow it never crossed my mind. They all lose their sex drives and just want to go to work, or if they’re homebodies, they want to roll rotis and bother younger women about getting married. Right? Please?
Apparently not. They have needs, son, both emotional and physical, and those needs gotta be filled. Poor word choice, you say? Well, if you take a more sterile view of this, it’s a reflection on India’s rising wealth, infrastructure, and accessibility. This sort of behavior with this kind of organization and functioning system wouldn’t have been possible years ago. In my view, this also shows that Indians have indeed been sexual beings who were restrained, and now they are finding ways to satisfy their urges. I don’t subscribe to the idea that Western TV, etc., has ‘bred’ sexuality into Indians so much. One look at the carved borders of some South Indian temples will tell you that we knew lots about sex before we imported “Baywatch.”
I see the burgeoning “himbo” market as indicative of some new thinking. Females paying for sex could be a way of indicting the Indian male’s inability to have a nurturing and reciprocal relationship with his wife. Whether this is due to how Indian males are socialized or because of the failures of arranged marriages, I don’t know. Just speaking from personal experience, most of the older Indian couples I see aren’t great. They’re arranged and accustomed to each other, but not exactly passionate. “Joy,” even “happy,” aren’t the words that come to mind.
Nowadays, women don’t have to put up with that, as they can purchase passion by the hour. To me, this is a way of saying that arranged marriage doesn’t really work, and when women can experience passion and feel like someone cares about them, they’ll opt for that, even if it’s fleeting and founded in the rupee. Honestly, I think most men would too. Men who cheat often do so for sex, but why carry on an affair if it’s solely sexual? There’s likely more there. Many cheating men probably feel closer and more emotional about their mistresses than their actual wives. One of my uncles once caught this family acquaintance at a restaurant during midday, buying food for two people. This guy has a wife, and he’s so stoic towards her, I thought she was his actual hired servant at first. And we all knew he wouldn’t spring for outside food for her. My uncle made sure to say hello, and this cheater’s flustered look said everything. This is the kind of preachy hack who would rail against Western values. I guess this particular value of his is more universal than he’d like to admit.
Perhaps male prostitution could be a way of eroding arranged marriages altogether. These women who are hiring the gigolos are doing so for more than sex. Many want companionship at a minimum. Maybe these are the same aunties, sisters, or mothers (nasty) who advise younger females of marriageable age. Maybe their advice will be something better than what they heard, which was likely “He has a good job, so stop complaining.” Or maybe I’m just crazy optimistic (or hating a little too much on arranged relationships).
Regardless, this particular subsection of the world’s oldest profession probably shouldn’t have surprised me. But it did. So I thought it might surprise some of you. If any of you read about police intercepting a high-roller Delhi swingers party, go ahead and send me the link. And any accompanying photos.
Unless they’re old aunties. In that case, you’d have to pay me.
Tags: AIDS & HIV, Homosexuality, India, Marriage, Prostitution
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January 23rd, 2008 at 7:07 am
please do excuse us indian women, we have stepped out from under our dowry ridden homes into your boy’s world of prostitutes and porn. our pure bodies bathed in the waters of ganga and blessed by the goddesses of the heavens. it’s just that we’re too cosmopolitan and hot for you indian men.
puhleez. give yourself a break.
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:24 am
um what point are you making?
January 23rd, 2008 at 11:01 am
This does not smack so much of an insult to Indian women so much as it points out the changing values of the country. It could be a form of female empowerment or passive resistance to the old norms.
January 23rd, 2008 at 1:19 pm
“it’s just that we’re too cosmopolitan and hot for you indian men.”
then why r u paying us for sex?
January 23rd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I find this whole thing a little hard to believe actually. If it is happening, then more power to the women and male prostitutes involved - to each his/her own. I have a feeling, however, this is by no means a widespread phenomenon. This was perhaps inevitable, considering the sizable amount of female prostitution and male homosexual prostitution in Indian cities today. One can only hope (perhaps naively) that these people (both customers and proprietors) eventually learn the penultimate importance of safe sex.
January 23rd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
“it’s just that we’re too cosmopolitan and hot for you indian men.”
“then why r u paying us for sex?”
Ah yes, a couple pigheaded responses that turn this into a men vs. women debate, when it’s not really about that. It’s about women gaining power, though it’s displayed in an usual way at the moment (symptomatic of the larger shift). While both of these retorts muddy the point, it is still there for those who choose not to use this for an agenda.
That said, it is funny, so keep sniping.
January 25th, 2008 at 10:44 am
http://head-start.blogspot.com.....nered.html
January 25th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Sita,
Thank you for your response. However, I find that you heavily distorted the content of my post by selectively taking segments without their subsequent explanations (remember, we support responsible reuse only).
But that’s okay, first time offense. To address your response:
1) First, I’m not sure if you noticed, but this article was posted under the “Comedy” category. That’s because it’s meant to be a tongue-in-cheek look at my obviously callow notions vs the reality of the day. I frequently allude to my misconceptions throughout the article. Which, again, was posted in “comedy.”
2) You quote me as being “appalled” that this is happening. Where did you get that from? As I mention early on, I’m sure it had been happening since time immemorial; it’s just not something that I’d actually thought of or heard of prior. If you continue to read the article, I’m actually supportive of the idea. Nowhere do I say it’s a bad thing, and nowhere do I mention that women must adhere to some kind of strict moral code.
3) You are liberal with one of my better quotes about aunties having no sex drive and rolling rotis, etc. Once again, in the context of the post, this was clearly a joke, and as I say in the next paragraph, these conceptions were obviously misguided. Funny, because there are others who have never thought of (or refused to think of) older Indian aunties and sex, and some readers surely could relate. But a clear joke.
4) I know you take it as an affront to your values, but, unless you’re a married auntie, the post is not about you, as you are, I’m assuming, a younger Indian woman. And we all have highly qualified Indian women in our lives, both auntie and non, so we are not ignorant of their existence as individuals.
5) As for the shock in realizing that they, too, can be sexual beings—that’s the point. That many of us have likely never gone to that point mentally, but it’s time to realize it. I simply use my own revelation as the basis. I think you’ve read this as though you were under attack from the start. I know it’s “The Forum for South Asian American Men,” but we’re nice not-sexist guys. Really.
6) Yes, safe sex is good. Please see the Latex Archie post.
7) Not quite sure what your issue is with my theory on unsatisfying arranged marriages serving as a possible catalyst for women paying for sex. If you read the original BBC article I source, the gigolos themselves say as much, although their base is expanding as of late. Would you rather I say that the women seek sex because they are whores or something offensive like that? Because I don’t believe that.
Had they been talking about women and sex in general, then it would be an entirely different post. But my post is based on the original article and its scope. Whether you find that scope to be narrow or not is your prerogative.
8 ) My basic theory is just that women who essentially have been coerced into unhappy relationships are now, more than ever, able to at least take some kind of action (even if it’s hiring gigolos), and that reflects more empowered women in general.
9) Where’s the contradictory PC stuff? The “nice” stuff is what I think is more towards the truth. Unless you didn’t realize the post was tongue-in-cheek. We have no reason to be PC, and if you read other posts, you’ll see we’re not.
10) You say my post “doesn’t begin to fathom the social consequences of this phenomenon.” Well, I actually think it does begin to fathom it. It doesn’t quite finish fathoming, however, as that would require years of research. If you’d like to inform me about the consequences, please post.
I probably was remiss in not mentioning that women could simply be paying for sex because they enjoy it. Good for them, and I’m sure that’s part of it. But everyone likes sex, and not all men or women pay prostitutes. Seems like it’s almost a little too simplistic.
That’s what this is about, spreading knowledge, comedy, and maybe just a little bit of vitriol.
Thanks for commenting.
March 30th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
This is really interesting - I had no clue this was happening! I do find it interesting that you are attributing this phenomenon to women’s physical as well as emotional needs. Is it because we are still a little afraid to imagine that these women might be eliciting illicit sex solely for sexual satisfaction? I am basically thinking of how men seeking prostitutes for sex are seldom thought to be fulfilling emotional needs.
I also think that payment for sex somehow also establishes a kind of power hierarchy between the payer and the receiver. Perhaps, women paying these men to have sex indicates their desires to somehow be in a position of power and in a situation they perceive they can control?
April 6th, 2008 at 8:09 am
Actually, in small towns of India, for decades (and probably much longer), Aunties would accept money from young men in their teens and twenties to “teach” them the sex, and for themselves to make some extra rupees.
I was shocked about that when I first found out. The town I lived in was very traditional, orthodox, religious.
So now aunties are paying guys? I guess it means they want experienced men to pleasure them rather than the other way around.