Desi Manifesto Blog: The Forum for South Asian American Men

A coolie, courtesy of Koshur.org.

[Blogger: S.I.] Welcome to the Coolie Files. These files document real life encounters that hearken to another time, where it was commonplace for Indian men to bear the burden of our colonial masters’ demands that we put their baggage on our heads, carry their most personal of soiled linens, and smile cheerily throughout our whimsically simple pagan lives.

In modern times, we use the Coolie Files to gather true stories of Indian men getting tooled in any absurd fashion, especially when the perpetrator takes on an air of benevolence. Be it funny, frightening, or f-ed up, we’ll record it in the Coolie Files.

For our inaugural foray, I present to you an absurd, yet 100% factual (well, 95%+), account of a friend’s tale in Vegas…

Let me introduce my friend, “Sonny.” He went to college with me, and he’s a recent transplant (or should I say implant) to Vegas.

On a weekday night, Sonny and his boy, “Bob,” who is white, were assaulting the Strip. Translation: they were drinking at the hottest club in Vegas, except it was Treasure Island.

As they soaked in the atmosphere, not unlike cakes in the urinal of Sin City, the waitress delivered two more drinks to them, saying “These have been taken care of.” Sonny and Bob, assuming that they were on the house as a desperate attempt to maintain a minority customer base, thanked her. “No, not like that,” the waitress replied. “The drinks are from them.”

She pointed across the room to a couple that would be out of place anywhere other than Vegas.

They laid their eyes on a deliriously hot girl. Blonde and tanned, she appeared a nubile 24, and she’d gotten her money’s worth from the doctors of Vegas. She smiled, and they realized that it was possible to beat the house.

Until their corneas burned with the glimpse of her companion, a geriatric Magnum, P.I. imitator, replete with flaunted chest hair, gold chains, and too-shorts.

Magnum decided to do some investigating, and he and his lady friend approached. Gentle and courteous, they made light conversation with Sonny and Bob, who were immediately suspicious. Anything partially sketchy is multiplied by ten in Vegas. And with good reason:

“So, fellas, I have something I wanted to ask,” Mangum eventually offered.

“Uh, okay. Shoot.” It being Vegas, Sonny and Bob hoped he knew they weren’t being literal.

“My girlfriend thinks you’re really cute,” Magnum said to Bob. Girlfriend? Granddaughter? Eh, what’s the difference?

“Thanks…”

“So, we want you to have sex with her.”

Sonny and Bob gathered themselves for a moment. Bob pondered his seemingly too-good-to-be-true fortune.

“That’s it?”

“Well, you have sex with her, and then we both have sex with her at the same time.”

The catch. Bob turned to Sonny, trying to make sense of this situation.

“So I just have sex with her, then we both do, and that’s all?”

“That’s it.”

Bob found himself flattered, and a little scared, by this proposal. Meanwhile, Sonny wasn’t quite sure what he was doing there. Magnum then turned to him:

“And you…”

“Yeah?” Sonny replied with bated breath. He was ready to enlist.

“I’ll pay you two hundred to film it.”

A truly injurious Coolie Moment. Because this one nailed Sonny where it really counted. The ladoos, which had gone unconsumed far too long. Was Sonny the most attractive guy ever? Likely not. But if the main course is Magnum, Sonny could have at least been dessert. He couldn’t help but wonder how this scene would have played out had he been white.

Still, $200 is pretty good for a coolie. It would allow him to drown his born-again virginity in plenty of booze and sports bets.

Sonny and Bob asked for a few moments to talk things over. Sonny said he’d be down with the manual labor, and he’d follow Bob’s lead. Bob said if it were just the girl and him, he’d have no doubts. But he did have reservations about Magnum’s involvement, referencing the possibility of crossing swords. Moreover:

“Man, what if I’m banging his girl, and he tries to do me in the ass when I’m not looking? You’d help me out, right?”

“What, would you want me to physically remove him from you?”

This raised certain concerns about credibility regarding Magnum and his great-niece, and deciding that they didn’t know enough to feel safe, Bob declined the offer, much to the relief of his internal highway’s primary exit. And Sonny sighed, returning the guy’s $200.

But he would never be able to return the feeling of being Coolied.