[Blogger: S.I.] In our typically brutally honest and comically crude fashion, we present to you the conclusion of our “Sapna Saga,” which posits some interesting lessons for desi women AND, more emphatically, desi men. The truth is indeed ugly.

Sonny: getting back to the doctor

she even admitted that, having a brother

she understood where the indian man was coming from

but that she and a lot of girls she knew

well they couldn’t help being attracted to who they are attracted toand it’s true really

me: how easily you of all people abdicate

it’s one thing to say “I think white men are more attractive”

but ruling out an entire race

and her own at that

Sonny: man

just think about this logically

and take away the emotion of it

if that’s what she wants

that’s what she wants

with all these girls i mean

if that’s what they want

do i like it?

no obviously not

but that’s life

me: yes, but it still is bothersome

Sonny: it bothers me

absolutely

but what can we do

it’s biology

it’s nature

now

her experiences with indian guys

well she said herself that she’s open to dating indian guys

but she’s just not attracted to many of them

and the ones she has been attracted to

they had issues

i mean what do you say to that

really at the end of the day

she’s 33

and she will likely die alone

so fuck her

it’s all good

remember if you’re an older single woman

society keeps telling you there’s smthg wrong with you

that you’re unworthy

that you’re lonely and what not

and that wears on you

esp being a single indian woman

so if she really wants to persist with her course of action

go right ahead

it’ll only lead to more pain

therein lies just one of the many advantages of being a man

our bargaining power increases exponentially with age

best thing you can do with such women

is just smile and nod

and move on

me: hahaha

quite the spin doctor

Sonny: well

i guess i’ve gotten past the point

where i let indian girls bother me

hahaha

their behavior doesn’t phase me anymore

it was funny because i think a lot of what she said

she was trying to get a rise out of me

in front of this other girl she was like openly disparaging indian guys

i didn’t take the bait

maybe i’m getting soft in my old age

i wouldn’t have stood for that in the past

me: you are getting soft

Sonny: i just don’t have the energy anymore

i don’t know what it would’ve proved

i would’ve just come off as bitter

it’s not like i would’ve changed her mind anyway

another part of me always kind of felt like

maybe she’s right

i mean shit

she’s 33

she’s dated god knows how many men

me: well once you told me she did her due diligence with the brown men

I ceased seething

Sonny: no you didn’t

but it eased the pain a little bit

it still pisses you off

as it does me

me: all you can do is ask that she try

if they’ve all been terrible

well

that would jade anyone

Sonny: yeah true

but i still don’t like indian women dating outside the race

keep it in house

always

esp in this country where we don’t have many other options

any options really

if we’re in india

fine

date whomever the fuck you want

there is enough indo poon to go around

but here

it’s just adding insult to injury

me: hahaha

we just need to date outside the race more ourselves

which hasn’t been a hangup for either of us

Sonny: well let me put it this way

i would stick to indians

if indian girls stuck to indian men

they’ve forced me into this position

i have no problem keeping it 100% indo

but too many women are race traitors

willingly submit to re-colonization

me: hahahahahah

HAHAHAH

I love that

also

I don’t believe you

if Indo women kept to brown men

but a hot white girl threw it at you

a la your time in the South

you’d plunge

Joe the Plumber style

hahahahha

Sonny: but that’s because i know that hindosluts are lining up to serve their white masters

i’m talking from the beginning

if there was some hypothetical pact

me: HAHAHA

Sonny: i would agree to it and i would respect it

for example if you told me right now

that i would only be able to date indian women

but as a part of that

no indian woman would ever date a white man again

i would take that in a heartbeat

and i would honor my side the deal

The overarching lesson for both sexes: we really do need to treat each other better. Women need to realize that not ALL desi men are the same as the father they found oppressive, the brother they find to be immature, the uncle who’s crass, or the mama’s boys they knew from school. No Indian man actually writes off all Indian women (at least none that we know). Frankly, we believe many brown women lose out unless they keep open minds. To these women, I’d say: no one will understand who you are, your family, your background, and your overall mores, without you even uttering a word, better than a brown man.

Of course, you’re going to be attracted to the people you’re attracted to, and there’s not much to be done about that. But do you know many Indian women who, after meeting a stream of lame white guys, would ever say, “I’m done with white men”? Neither do we. That’s one of our bigger points.

And this might surprise many of our readers, but much of what Sapna said about Indian men… well, we totally agreed. And anyone who has read a large sample of our work knows that we are not fans of the generic Indian male.

So, to our fellow desi men: let’s be frank. Many of us need to shape the fuck up. If you’re looking for someone to take care of you, fawn over you, and clean up after you: go live the fuck at home. It’s time to use your balls somewhere other than the bedroom, which means being responsible for yourself beyond just accruing wealth. If we expect our women to hold down jobs and comport themselves properly in other spheres of life, we gotta walk the walk as well.

And if you are into a girl, but she’s not someone your mom would like, I have good news: your mother doesn’t have to marry her. Does that mean elope? No. But both sides have to understand each other (and your family probably claims that “family is the most important thing,” which means that if you want to marry a girl, she’s going to be family and should be treated like that. Of course, if your family has a lot of hypocrites, which is all too common in the Indian way of life, well, how seriously can you take any complaints?).

And if your parents had an arranged marriage, I wouldn’t follow their advice more than superficially, because I don’t believe they know about pre-marital love and relationships. Stop being scared shitless.

The lesson to be learned here: as Indo dudes, we have to look at ourselves first. Don’t be the greasy, over-gelled, over cologne-d, spoiled, mama’s boy kind of Indo dude that no one really likes, unless you plan on finding a generic Indian princess who is your female equivalent.

We expect more out of our Indian women (though at this point, even having Indian men on their radar makes them overqualified it seems). So we must bring it too.

Quality will attract quality. If both parties take off the blinders.

a

The Ugly Truth, Part 3

Hari’s act in DC.

[Blogger: S.I.] I know many of you already have heard of Hari Kondabolu, but I only recently got wind of this up-and-coming Indian comic. And so far, I like what I hear.

Angry South Asian man ranting about the very topics that plague my embittered mind?

That’ll do.I imagine that if I ever got in to standup (a goal after I make it as a screenwriter here in LA), I’d do much the same. This blog, on stage, with my bodyguards.

Until then, check out his act (above), or see his short film that’s played the festival circuit, “Manoj”:

There’s more on Youtube, his site, and MySpace, so check him out if you’re so inclined. Keep up the ethnic rage.

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Comedian + Ethnic Rage = Hari Kondabolu

[Blogger: S.I.] Our last entry focused on how being brown in the West of the US makes for difficult interracial scenarios.

But enough dealing with foreign affairs. We have multitudes of domestic problems that we can’t solve yet.

We know it’s true, and there are so many examples, but at times even we forget the burden we bear. Until reality sees fit to remind us…

Sonny: well so i was at my friend’s house

we were just playing poker

having some drinks

shooting the shit

etc

just a chill night

and so we have this friend Pete

he’s the nicest guy in the world

like this is a guy who would give you the shirt off his back

even if it was the last thing he had

but his life is just a mess

he has a shitty job

he’s sick all the time

has a lot of health problems

and he’s fiscally irresponsible

due to the fact that his parents

are very wealthy

so he always figures they’ll bail him out

so anyway

one of my friends

was there with his gf

who’s asian

and she’s like “where’s Pete, i wanted to set him up with my friend Sapna”

so naturally my interest is piqued

so i say

“is she indian”

“yeah, she’s 31 and a doctor”

and my friend (who doesn’t like ethnic women)

says “yeah dude she’s really hot”

so naturally i say

“dude what the fuck”

“fuck Pete, what about me”

in a joking way of course

i mean you have an indian woman

why wouldn’t you think

of another indian

so then she says

“oh…well…um…i uh…she”

“yeah i don’t know if she hmmm….”

finally my friend was like

“she only likes white guys dude, sorry”

“in fact her only stipulation was that the guy not be indian”

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

i can’t lie

it hurt

i know i shouldn’t be surprised by now

but it stings me

on the positive side

finally all my friends were like

“wow i’m beginning to see things from your perspective”

me: this is goddamn blasphemy

at least your boy was able to keep it real

Sonny: yeah

as much as the truth hurts

sometimes it’s good to hear it

and the good thing about it

is that i think my other friends

are starting to understand

the gravity of my dilemma

not mine specifically

but of the indian man

it was funny cuz my other friend was like

“but…i don’t get it”

“why would you NOT want someone who was from the same background”

or rather he said

“why would you want ANYTHING but that”

welcome to the mind of indian women i told him

man i was boiling though

me: yeah well

I don’t blame you

just interrupt their date

be obnoxious

except you like Jed

so you’d want him to score if he could

Sonny: oh

i told him to fuck her and never call her back

me: hahahaha

Sonny: he agreed that was appropriate punishment

Sonny: for her apostasy

me: hahahaha

Sonny: it’s a sad day

when i’m forced to use the very instrumentalities that hasten our destruction as indian men

to settle a score with a wayward, self-hating indo

Then we thought for a moment about what could make her feel this way. We tried to be even-keeled (don’t get used to it). We thought about the skuzzier Indian men we know, and we did make the exception that, if Indian men somehow ruined her life, we’d perhaps understand why she wouldn’t date them. It’s highly likely she has some legit gripes with brown men.

But to allow them to typify the entire race in her mind is unconscionable. If we were to ever say “every single Indian woman’s worthless,” we’d never hear the end of it. In fact, our indignation whenever we encounter self-haters like this reaffirms our belief that we WANT to think differently of Indian women.

But blasphemers like this bring us back to the world we understand. Hot Indian women who refuse to commingle with brown men. Exception or rule?

The jury’s out…

a

The Ugly Truth, Part 2

We hear money greatly increases a desi man’s
chances of dating a white woman.

[Blogger: S.I.] Terribly remiss in posting, but we’ve been busy. However, this little tidbit should keep you going.

It’s all based on the theory that in the US, Indian men have a harder time finding women than white men. Even assuming equal looks, coolness, popularity, etc., it simply will be harder for a brown man because we are not considered “the ideal,” or even sexual beings at times.

This is not a complaint. This is just how it is. It’s the US, a white country, and we accept that. Moreover, we’ve found that East Coast cities and big cities in the midwest, like the always-welcoming Chicago, give the desi man a much better shot than places out west, such as Las Vegas (where Sonny lives) and LA (where I live).

We’ve run it by other minorities, and they agree. We’ve run it by our white friends, and they will come up with any reason to act like it doesn’t exist. I guess they don’t want the cognitive dissonance of knowing that there are determinations made based on race and that they have an advantage in some regards, even though they don’t think of themselves as racially anything.

Read the ugly truth and see for yourself.

Sonny: btw

my friend’s fiancé

agreed with our theory 100%

every single guy in there

was like “dude you’re full of shit, stop making excuses”

so i said

“ok fine, let’s get the girls’ opinions”

and they admitted it

it was gratifying

me: HA

fucking knew it

this is some white girl from the west coast?

Sonny: not originally

but yeah

her and her friend

both agreed

the way they explained it

and i told them to be as honest as possible

just so the others would understand

me: from the start

how did the topic come up that night

with the guys

then how’d you tell the girls

Sonny: well my friend

wanted to set me up

with some girl

and i told him that’s fine

except i wanted to clarify

whether she dates men of color

same thing i did with my secretary re her friend

and he was all like

“listen man, i don’t know why you’re always hung up on that stuff”

“with that attitude you’re never going to get any girl”

“you’re counting yourself out before the game has even started”

“women don’t think like that”

etc etc

you’ve heard it all before i’m sure

me: AAAAAHHHHH

that’s word for word

what my buddy said to me

these fuckers are damn blind to reality

oh to be a dub

how simple the world must seem

Sonny: yeah

so anyway

i was like

“fine”

“why don’t we ask the girls what they think”

just for some context

and both were raised and went to college in the So Cal area

and both were sorority girls

so

me: the deck was stacked

hahaha

Sonny: i mean they were pretty white

not girls who are usually open

to dating indos

Sonny: so i ask them

and they’re both good friends of mine

so i told them to be honest

brutally if necessary

me: haha

Sonny: so basically they said that

they’re just not attracted

physically

to most indian guys

indians

and asians

and by indian i mean

that includes banglas, sri lankans, paks

basically south asian features

that in addition to the fact that

they’ve had limited interactions with them

because of the segregation you have

in universities especially

but also in general

me: so they just came out with it

Sonny: i mean

you know

and i know

that is the case

i’ve known that for years

it’s no surprise

me: I wonder if they’ve ever found anyone attractive who’s not white or black

again, it’s not ‘unfair’

it’s just how it is

Sonny: they said yes

but it’s very rare

but that’s the nature of attraction

you can’t help what you’re attracted to

me: yeah

it’s just how it is

Sonny: i could’ve told you this years ago

me: clearly

Sonny: they were overly concerned

about sounding racist

but i made it clear

that they should speak freely

one of the girls also said that

and i thought this was interesting

the only indian men she really saw

were on TV (and thus likely not depicted in an accurate fashion)

or like TAs

and grad students

generally FOBs

me: great

Sonny: yeah

let’s say you go to a large public college

i mean

let’s face it

that’s the dominant

face of who we are to many of them if they don’t directly have Indo friends

grad students who put a passing emphasis on appearance and hygiene

naturally that’s poor advertising

i think there’s also the sense that

they didn’t agree with this

but they mentioned it as a factor with women they know

and of course both you and i know this

the media and popular perception of indian and asian men

is far from flattering

remember that article i sent you

on why asian/indian men and black girls are always out in the cold

perceptions of our lack of masculinity

etc

me: yeah

Sonny: over simplification

but

essentially we’re not considered “man enough”

me: we’re at least NOT seen as having desired characteristics here

Sonny: yeah

me: none of them

Sonny: and again

you and i both knew this

or at least

we had some idea of this

me: absolutely

Sonny: i know i have for years

me: internally

we always knew

Sonny: and again let me make clear

i don’t judge anyone

for harboring these feelings

you are attracted to what you are attracted to

that’s nature

it may not be fair

but it’s the hand we’ve been dealt

me: same

it’s not like I’m attracted to all things equally

I’d rather have a darker girl

e.g.

see the dubs

they think we’re saying “you’re racist”

so loathe to accept responsibility

for anything

and for once we’re not even blaming them

it’s just how it is

Sonny: yeah

well anyway

after all this

finally all the guys understood

then the argument turned into

“well but you’re not like those guys”

“you’re pretty much white”

which is understandable

but

i think they understood

my one friend was just like

“man so…how do you live?”

HAHAHHAHAHA

that summed it all up for me

“welcome to my world”

me: HAHAHA

Sonny: anyway

we both knew all this before

so it’s not like it’s going to affect anything

me: but just to hear a dub admit it

Sonny: yeah

it was gratifying

me: I appreciate that your female friends were honest

they get some points for that

Sonny: as i said

the science of attraction

is what it is

i don’t hold it against them

now if they were indian….

don’t even get me started there

a

A Brown Man in the West: The Ugly Truth

The “Foreign Face” and those who fight against it.

[Blogger: S.I.] The last couple months, I’ve been making a concerted effort to get out of the house and away from work, meet people, and socialize. Getting to know some of the people of LA. On the whole, it’s gone quite well, I’ve made some new friends, contacts, etc.

But one part of the social milieu that’s often overlooked by most Westerners can in fact be a make-or-break point for people like us: the introduction.

Our hero, S.I., and Random Girl have been speaking for a few minutes. Amiable conversation.

S.I.: “Hey, what’s your name, by the way?”

Random Girl: “It’s Random Girl.”

S.I.: “Nice to meet you Random Girl. I’m (insert my easy-to-say Indian name here. Not the easiest ever, but definitely on the easy side).

Random Girl: “Uh…”

He watches in horror as her expression contorts into the “Foreign Face.” Her eyes crinkle, her upper lip sneers, her teeth show, her brows furrow, and her tongue is at the ready, should it need to roll, flip, or click.

Random Girl (shrugging with delayed head nod in anticipation): “(Insert mauled remains of my name here)?? (Insert variation of my name’s mauled remains here)???”

S.I. (defeated smile): “You can just call me (insert monosyllabic American version of my name here).”

The conversation was never the same again.

Probably familiar for many of you. But for those not in the know, please refer to the leading image of this post.

You see, when non-Indian people try to pronounce any Indian names, they begin by making this face, fully expecting unprecedented levels of “foreignness” from “them.” Much like a seatbelt, it’s the only safe way to begin this magical journey to lands unknown. The Foreignologist on the right attempts to explain the complex structures of my name. He encounters little success.

Nonetheless, as excruciating as this exercise may be, I’ve discovered multiple bits of knowledge one can glean from the person massacring my name.

INTELLIGENCE. But not in the way you think. Contrary to popular opinion, I often find it’s the dumbest people who get my name right with ease. Perhaps because the smarter we are, the more we try to associate a name with what we know (or think we know) about a place, the people, the languages, and the sounds. If you’re poorly edified, no such factors creep into your mind.

On the whole, from my experience, those who hover around average intelligence are the worst, because they just can’t conquer the little bit they do know in order to say my name properly.

This often leads to drawn out sessions with me explaining that my name is comprised of two sounds that exist in English, neither of which has the “ee” noise, followed by them consistently inserting “ee” and just changing which syllable is stressed.

WORLDLINESS. Much can be revealed not in the pronunciation of my name, but rather in the conversation that immediately follows.

Comments such as “That’s a strange name,” or “How weird” or “My tongue’s all twisted just saying that” are not positive signs. When people say it’s “different,” at best it might be a girl flirting with you. Probably not.

But when people ask “What kind of a name is that,” or “What ethnicity are you” (the homeless cousin of which is “Where are you from?”), it shows a higher level of thinking. For me at least, I warm up to the conversation more because I feel like maybe this person will be able to understand my POV a bit.

And sometimes, you’ll hear “I have a lot of Indian friends,” or “I know people with that name,” or something else indicating that this cat is, if not an Indophile, at least down with brown to some extent.

That’s more than you can ask for. Unless it’s a white guy saying, “Oh yeah, I used to date this hot Indian girl.”

Actually, that’s a lot more than I ever asked for.

DO THEY CARE ABOUT YOU? Generally, if they don’t care about your name, they really don’t care about you. Most normal people will at least make a couple attempts. The people who like you as a person (or at least respect their own intelligence) will make multiple attempts to get it right. Those who are into other cultures will make an effort with the various inflections and nuances of a name.

And in LA, the ones who don’t care about you will simply hear your name, muster half a nod, and go on talking.

To someone else.

FETISH. You say your name. She tries to pronounce it delicately, or maybe she forgoes saying it again and proceeds right to asking you to say it one more time, leaning in with her eyes wide as saucers.

You oblige, and she smiles and says, “That’s a beautiful name.”

Welcome to the fetish. For once, the curry fever works in our favor. Not that you should ever have hid from your Indianness, but at least now, you can embrace the brown to a greater extent, perhaps revealing more esoteric parts of the culture to maximum effect. This may be the only time where doing impressions of your father actually could get you in good with a girl (or even laid). Use them, but be judicious (respect for one’s elders is a trait of your exotic and sexually appealing culture, after all).

So talk nerdy to her and satiate her need for spice.

Sometimes it’s not what’s in a name, but rather what’s around it, that counts.

a

What’s in a Name?

[Blogger: S.I.] We’ve been delinquent. It’s a very busy time in the lives of the Desi Manifesto crew. Of course, if we had more people to blog, there wouldn’t be lag like this, would there? I put the blame squarely on you.

In the last few weeks, I’ve encountered snippets of race-related situations, and even I had a lot of trouble deciding whether I considered them racist or not. It’s the same way people feel about logos such as the one to the right.

So I throw them out to you for some feedback.

LASIK AND EYE OPENING COMMENTS

I recently got LASIK performed at a prominent clinic in LA. Highly ranked doctors, technicians, etc. A few days before the procedure, I underwent an extremely detailed eye exam, including dilating of the pupils.

As the tech tilted my head back to instill the drops, she noticed how easy it was. She said: “Oh, you have such big eyes, it’s so easy to put in the drops. You’re not going to have a problem at all. Not like our Asian patients with those tiny eyes.”

Racist or not? You could take it as her just stating a basic physical fact that we all observe, which is Asians having eyes that generally don’t have the same surface area as other races.

Or, you could take it as her dissing Asians or employing one of the most basic stereotypes about their race.

It wasn’t easy for me to decide, either.

HOUSE CLEANING AND AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY

Thanks to my boy in Las Vegas, Sonny, for this:

Sonny: i just got a new maid service

the guy is kind of a racist

but his maids do excellent work

his whole thing is that he doesn’t hire any illegals

which increases the price

but also increases the quality

he’s one of those guys that

normally i’d consider a nut

but his peeps actually do good work

me: he prob hates you

Sonny: yeah i think he def did in the beginning

he thought i was mexican

from my first name

his manner changed dramatically

when he found out i was indian

he said he’s rooting for john mcain to pick bobby jindal as his VP

hahahhahaha

that’s when i made the call to hire his company

Racist or not? You could take this as a man expressing his love for Indians (and Republicans).

Or, you could see it as exemplifying his disdain for Latinos (if not based on his “no illegals” policy, then founded on his change in tone when he found out Sonny wasn’t Latino). Especially given the strong anti-immigrant feelings in Nevada.

NOT CURRYING FAVOR

You know how I feel about the word curry. But even that didn’t clarify things for me the other day.

I was microwaving my lunch, some delicious vegetable korma. The aroma wafted around the general area.

Then the lady came by. She was known as blunt, loud, and potentially unstable.

She sniffed as she walked. Multiple inhales as her olfactory senses tried to make it all compute.

“What’s that weird smell? Is that curry?” she asked as she high stepped away.

I still don’t know if she saw me standing by the microwave.

Racist or not? To someone unfamiliar with Indian food, it is a weird smell I suppose. And while we brown folk equate food with culture, it’s not like that in the US. So just because she didn’t like the smell doesn’t mean she hates Indos. And had she liked the smell, it wouldn’t have meant she loved Indian culture. It’s not exactly reasonable to expect every person to say “That smells wonderful!” about our food or say nothing at all (even though I never comment on other people’s food).

Or, she thinks anything unknown to her is an unwelcome spectacle, showing a parochial worldview where what is not immediately within reach must be strange and somewhat negative, otherwise known as “weird.”

So let us all know what you think. I’m sure some of you have been in similar scenarios. Fire away.

And in case it mattered, my answers are: no, yes, no.

a

Racist or Not?

Can you feel the power? What about you, “Miss Mantra”?

[Blogger: S.I.] It’s been two weeks. We know. We’re sorry. We had things to do. But that doesn’t mean we stopped loving you.

Mike Myers’ movie “The Love Guru” flopped last weekend, assuming the “downward spiraling dog” pose, and this coming weekend’s box office receipts should shut the lid on that coffin. Well done, even if we weren’t sure whether it helped or hurt desis in the US.

This monumental failure dredged up memories of my encounter a few years ago with a real life love guru, and the hilarity that ensued. No, he wasn’t about “love” directly, but he proffered all the intangible accoutrements of spirituality.

Fake? Hack? Snake oil salesman? Charlatan? Scam artist?

No no, please call him Maha Rishi.

That’s right. “Maha”=Great. “Rishi”=Sage, who is in effect a great wise one.

Great Great Wise One.

His credentials were outstanding. He came highly recommended from Professor Really Smart Professor, Ph.D. He’s the best they have at UCLAUC.

Sigh. Welcome to So Cal.

I USED TO BE an assistant at the crappiest “independent” (meaning, no money and no movies) production company in history, which was based on a studio lot (in Hollywood, you have to waste money in style).

As it was my first job in Hwood, I didn’t have the skills to distinguish between what was LA, what was bullshit, and what was both (a LOT of Column A is also in Column B, especially in the entertainment industry).

One of my bosses, Mark, was a “talent” manager. I use the term “talent” loosely. Among the wannabe divas, preening actors, and couple of good people who should have been with a better company, a stringy looking white dude sauntered in.

We were a little far from the beach, and he didn’t bring a surfboard, so I couldn’t have imagined why else he was there. He was gaunt, unshaven, and had scraggly hair. But I wasn’t in the mood to share my lunch, and he couldn’t have slipped past the lot security.

Me: “Uh, may I help you?”

Flim Flammer (soft-spoken, feigning inner tranquility): “Yes, I’m here to see Mark.”

Me: “Ooookay. What’s your name?”

Flim Flammer: “Maha Rishi.”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Flim Flammer (thinking I genuinely didn’t know what he said): “Maha Rishi. M-A-H-A R-I-S-H-I.”

Me (not a chance): “But, what’s your real name?”

Flim Flammer (unperturbed): “It’s Maha Rishi.”

Me (perturbed): “No, but I mean, your actual name. That’s on your ID. Because I have to call in passes for you in the future.”

Flim Flammer: “………….Tyler Banks. But call me Maha.”

Me: “Thanks Tyler. Oh, sorry.”

As Mark escorted him into his office, my cultural sensibilities already had overridden any self-preservation instinct for my job. I found myself stunned. Who the hell was this guy and what the hell was his game? And were people really stupid enough to believe his bullshit?

That was the hope, apparently. I approached my other bosses, thinking they were unaware of the happenings. Foolish on my part. Not only did they know, they supported it. If other people were dumb enough to buy Tyler’s shtick, they didn’t care as long as they cashed in.

But the clods were aware enough to notice my discontent. They asked if he offended me. I said that I could believe a non-Indian would be in to the philosophy, yoga, and spirituality. I could even believe the guy would be expert enough to teach others.

But when this fool goes around refusing to acknowledge the name on his ID and calling himself Great Great anything, and when someone who is supposed to be spiritual can be found in the waiting room of a company like this, you know he’s full of shit.

“Hey if he makes us money, you better like him!” was the refrain.

I didn’t tell them that last part. I was still pretty new to the job.

THE MORE MEETINGS they had with “Rishi,” the more I learned about his game. And the more my distaste grew for his unwashed hair.

He was a part-time yoga instructor who had segued into “generic life advice.” Basically, a fortune cookie Gumby. And he thought now would be the perfect time to branch out and start his own brand. DVDs, CDs, workshops, books–all with the “Rishi” brand of beach-bum inner peace. He even had a treatment for a TV show - “Maha Rishi and the Adventures of Miss Mantra.”

As the vague idea of this Hacky McHackerson achieving any kind of success bubbled in my brain, I became physically incapable of letting it go. A number of our conversations went as such:

Phone rings.

Me: “Hello, Piece of Shit Company.”

Huckster: “Hello S.I., this is Maha Rishi.”

Me: “Hey Tyler. Need me to call in a pass?”

Huckster: “…Yes, please do.”

Me: “OK, I’ll put it under TYLER BANKS. Be sure to show them your ID with your full legal name spelled out.”

Huckster: “Thanks…”

Me: “No problem, Ty.”

THE “TALENT” MANAGER said Tyler was totally centered, cool, just really down to earth.

He said he used to be stressed out and have difficulty achieving any kind of inner calm until he started taking classes (at exorbitant sums I assume) with “the Rishi.”

He said I should try to take a step back and give him a chance.

Hmmm, no.

Was it because he was stringy as opposed to yoga toned? A surfer type? White? American? From So Cal?

Maybe, maybe, no (maybe), no, no.

My real arguments: his self-aggrandizing moniker would go against the morals and mores of anyone who practiced what Tyler preached. Or it should, anyway.

More, he was squeezing out every penny he could from his spirituality, which seems antithetical to spirituality on the whole. Or he was trying and failing. Either way, something was amiss.

And, seeing how into his act the ADD-and-easily-influenced “talent” manager was only fortified my position.

In life, even if you don’t know the answer, you can get a lot of things right by doing the opposite of what the idiot does.

That, by the way, was the most valuable lesson I learned at this company. Which would be going out of business shortly after I left.

Coincidence?

TWO MONTHS LATER, everyone in the workplace knew that when Tyler surfed in, my sound bytes would follow. When he entered, I’d grill him:

Me: “So where did you learn about yoga?”

I Learned Everything on Wikipedia: “I’ve been doing it for years, some independent instructors and research, just immersing myself.”

Me: “So just kind of winged it, huh?”

Or:

Me: “So, to really find out about the heart of yoga and its roots, have you ever been to India?”

Rupees Ain’t Dollars: “…Well, I haven’t had the chance to go yet… But I’d definitely like to one day.”

Or:

My Favorite Yoga Position Involves You (to a wannabe diva in the office): “Hello, I don’t believe we’ve met.”

Wannabe Diva: “Hello, I’m Wannabe Diva.”

My Favorite Yoga Position Involves You: “Nice to meet you. I’m–”

Me: “This is Tyler Banks. My bad, I should have introduced you guys sooner. Busy day today, let me tell you.”

Or:

Me: “Did you know you’re a white dude from California who still has sand in his draws, provided you’re wearing any, from bumming around on the beach?”

Guilty: “You’re right… I’m not wearing draws. My soul is free. But my knowledge isn’t.”

No, I didn’t ask that.

CALL IT “HABITUALIZATION.” I’d somewhat come to terms with this cat. This was LA. People will believe any old crap in So Cal, especially when they have money to spend and their brains have been poisoned from the sun, surf, and smog. He was trying to get his dollar on, and as long as he found no success, I felt fine.

My bosses, however, did not. A lack of success is the death knell, and even if they believed in the life cycle as he preached it, this kid would have to be reborn elsewhere.

They’d taken his ideas out on the town. And no one bought. He had nothing new, and they were out of avenues to sell him.

The first Love Guru flopped. And last weekend, the second one did as well.

And I bet Miss Mantra left his ass, too.

a

My Encounter With the Real Life Love Guru

Yes, Padma is in this edition of the Dose. Not that we ever should have
to justify putting up an image of her.

[Blogger: S.I.] Back with our own readable “mixture” to munch on between meals.

* The quirky and forward-thinking Canadian TV (CBC) show, “Little Mosque on the Prairie,” is being adapted (and potentially ruined) by FOX. Even if it doesn’t make it to air, this is progress. Unless it’s some kind of feeder for “24″ villains and post 9-11 rage. Ugh. Props to writer Zarqa Nawaz, as she has created a show unlike anything currently around, yet very familiar. The desi moment is that she’s of Pakistani origin, BTW.

And she answered some questions after the pilot aired. Watch the pilot (takes a long time to load). [Thanks Nirali Magazine]

* An Indian with the highest GPA in school history, graduating in just three years. And she ISN’T allowed to be valedictorian. I’d say “frickin’ Texas,” but because half of you likely are from Sugarland, I won’t. [Thanks Angry Asian Man]

* From former DM Gal, who is Punjabi but looks vaguely Assamese (or Latina or Japanese to some people, depending on the day), while on a plane:

“There’s an indo girl sitting next to me speaking in hindi about how she’s stuck next to a black guy and was looking for a white person but there were no more open seats. Bitch. She referred to me as ‘ek ladki’. I guess I’m ethnically nondescript. Hahaha.

And of course, it hasn’t occurred to her that I understand everything she’s saying :)”

Even if she hadn’t understood Hindi, we know this type of Indian well enough that we could have guessed. Upturned nose, the condescending glances, talking on the cell phone well after she’s been asked to turn it off. Dammit.

* More semi-famous Indians. From reader Sandeep: Reverse (or perverse) colonizing the colonizers, a royal screw you to the British for their meddling, and apparently it’s in movie form. You think we’re kidding? Go Karim!

* Hanuman, Mover of Mountains and Chairman of a Business School.

* In case you didn’t know, they’re making a spinoff of “The Office.” And it’s going to feature our “Human Giant” hero, Aziz Ansari. Funny desi men: you may have more women interested in you than ever before. Do something with it before the show gets canceled. Aziz is happy. And terse.

* Not quite TV celebrity, but an Indian named Balthazar Napoleon de Bourbon is actually in line to be the next King of France. Should the monarchy come back. And if a few people in front of him pass away.

* My conversation today with my boss’s business contact’s assistant, based in Texas (say her lines with a slight twang):

Me: “OK, so we have everything set up then. And could I get your email address to confirm everything?”

Her: “Sure, I’m Laura, and it’s just my first name @…”

Me: “Sounds great. I’ll send out all the info, and you can get my email address from there.”

Her: “Thank you. And what’s your name, by the way?”

Me (why did she have to ask): “It’s ‘Venkatesh’*.”

Her: “…………………OK!”

* not really my name, but same level of difficulty.

I have a feeling I over-ethnied it, just to be difficult. Why? I’m still not sure. Well, mission accomplished.

* Any reason to feature Padma Lakshmi, host of “Top Chef,” is a good reason. I have seen her in real life at a film festival, and I can tell you she was wearing very little makeup and still radiated beauty. She’s also really tall. [Thanks Angry Asian Man. We feel you on the Lakshmi love]

a

Desi Dose: Desis on TV! Little Mosque on the Prairie on FOX, Aziz Ansari in ‘The Office’ Spinoff

My roommate situation gets uglier by the day.

[Blogger: S.I.] Note: Personally identifying info has been changed to protect privacy.

This is Part 2 of my search for a roommate and the revelations therein. Read Part 1.

TO ALTER the course of my thinking, Former-DM Gal inquired how our parents ever would have found a place if everyone thought like me.

I reflected. Our parents needed a start somewhere too. They also were clean and considerate and not morons, therefore they would have responded to the initial inquiries in the posting properly.

But this wasn’t enough to get me off the hook, was it? I condemned the LA redneck, yet I saw an international student, then a fellow brown man, and I did the same thing. I felt at peace with it because I “know” the difference. I have a better feeling for who would be dirty, flaky, and inconsiderate. But even taking my Indian knowledge into account, am I being fair from one person to another?

Former-DM Gal said maybe I should give the guy a chance. I didn’t know him personally. Checking my email later, as I wondered if perhaps she were right:

Hay please contact me on 310-806-2649

Nitin Tabu

But I knew enough. I’m sharing my living space, and if he flakes, I’m paying double rent.

Fair ends at my emaciated wallet.

“Hay”?

Over.

DESPERATION became my subletter. And another Indo chimed in:

Hey your apartment seems pretty awesome. So I’m 28 and male. I’m originally from DC, born and raised. I went to UNC and majored in IT. But soon after I made a career change to post production since I always liked that stuff. So now I’m an editor and edit mostly for ABC and Discovery, promos. I enjoy hiking, skiing, tennis, and mostly everything outdoors. I’m a active guy with an outgoing personality. I’m clean about how I live, I think the most you might see are random clothes laying around my room during my disaster work weeks.

Too good to be true? Apparently. Because once I contacted him, he disappeared. Maybe he was around, but in typical desi fashion, he took his sweet time.

First his reply, next his rent? That shit ain’t gonna fly.

Big Sally, you’re one heartless bitch bastard.

I WONDERED what among my property the movers would break when my luck turned. I was being courted by a stem cell researcher (!) and a new young doctor (!!). I’ve never felt more like a prospective bride. “Betaaaa… he just finished med schooool!”

I was immediately roommate-ishly attracted to the doc, RoomShaadi.com style. When I mentioned him, even my mom demanded that I “get him get him!”

The researcher had to drop out, but I had the big fish, right? Kind of. He had me on hold. Such an eligible bachelor surely had his options, and I was but one Rupali in a sea of Radhas, Rekhas, and Roshnis.

That didn’t stop my other freshly-imported suitors though:

I am intrested in your apartment can you please send me pics. Also do you have some lease and if so, how long. I am working near fairfax/santa monica and have done my MS from LA itself.

About me:Gender: Male
Age: 26
Occupation: I work fulltime at a financial firm downtown

Thanks,
Jayant Patel

Ohhh, you work at a financial firm? Well hold on while I bend over backwards for you! Because that’s all the info I need, right? I don’t need to know if you’re nice, considerate, clean, drug-free, or responsible. Why would I? You’re a baller who works at a financial firm. Full time no less! Come on in and relax, I’ll roll the chapatis!

How selfish are these guys? It’s all about them, not what they offer the household or me. I’m not a damn hotel you fools, I have to live with you. As Former-DM Gal said, imagine the plight of the women who have to marry these guys. Woe is she who must suffer at the hands of one of these spoiled self-serving typical Indian men.

Bastards!

MY SEARCH hadn’t gotten me much closer to a roommate. It did, however, uncover some truths about my way of thinking.

And at the end of it all, I concluded that my discrimination was fair. Had these guys written in perfect English and been white, it wouldn’t have mattered. There’s no way I’m letting bums without jobs, prospects, or people skills room with me.

As for Indians and internationals, I was an RA in college, and I feel like I have enough experience (both personal and on-the-job) with and knowledge of them to fill in some of the blanks, especially with these specific interactions.

Not fair, some would say. Well, if you see a skunk with its tail pointed at you, it may not spray. But from all the people who have been in that situation and been hosed, it’s a fair assumption. You’re not saying all skunks are bad under all circumstances–but you’d be stupid to ignore an obvious conclusion from the same set of conditions. Especially when you have something to lose (as I did with the possibility of paying extra rent money, having my stuff used and abused, etc.).

The LA redneck had every right to be pissed with the Indo who ripped him off. He also had every right to say who he personally would not accept as a roommate. But for him to expand his assumptions to say that all Indians do or do not do X, Y, and Z–that’s where he couldn’t tread logically.

I am no redneck. My conclusions are based on knowledge and experience of a larger sample size and real interactions with different people. His are based on one stinky guy, being victimized, and a bathroom that will never be the same.

We can’t be so blind to the realities of life that we pretend all people are equal in the exact same ways. We know we’re not, and that’s cool and enjoyable. We can attribute much of it to inequities or simply being raised different ways. But to appreciate differences, we have to acknowledge that they exist. I based my housing choices on those differences.

And I can live with that.

AS FOR THE FINALE to my search for housing? I was the luckiest desi bride in the land.

That’s right, all you aunties and uncles: I landed the doctor.

And all it cost me for dowry was my parking space.

a

Housing Discrimination, Indians, and Me: Part 2 of 2

Which one’s Big Sally?

[Blogger: S.I.] Note: Personally identifying info has been changed to protect privacy.

I LIKENED THE JOURNEY of finding a new roommate to being a female inmate in a maximum security prison, locked in a death match with a hefty con named Big Sally, beating one another senseless with food-specked lunch trays until one of us no longer can stand, all for the last cup of government imitation Jell-o (I’ll have to use my plastic non-shankable spork to eat it). And as I lick that spork clean, I will ignore the fly that has been preserved in the middle of the collagen snack. Because that fly, the motionless witness in the gelatinous amber, is still better than my housing situation.

I am the first inmate, stuck in the prison that is knowing I have to either 1) live with a stranger or 2) move. Both are options that steal my freedom. Big Sally represents potential roommates as a collective. I don’t want to deal with you, yet, I must, as this is the law of the jungle we inhabit. You shake me down for info, when all you really want is housing. I explore potential shankings, because all I really want is half my rent covered. And we’ll thrash each other until one of us relents and the pecking order of cohabitation is established.

The Jell-o represents the prize of having a roommate on my own terms. It’s never as sweet as you think it will be, but it’s better than nothing and the only respite I’ll get from my confines. The fly? That’s all the “what if