Desi Manifesto Blog: The Forum for South Asian American Men

Which one’s Big Sally?

[Blogger: S.I.] Note: Personally identifying info has been changed to protect privacy.

I LIKENED THE JOURNEY of finding a new roommate to being a female inmate in a maximum security prison, locked in a death match with a hefty con named Big Sally, beating one another senseless with food-specked lunch trays until one of us no longer can stand, all for the last cup of government imitation Jell-o (I’ll have to use my plastic non-shankable spork to eat it). And as I lick that spork clean, I will ignore the fly that has been preserved in the middle of the collagen snack. Because that fly, the motionless witness in the gelatinous amber, is still better than my housing situation.

I am the first inmate, stuck in the prison that is knowing I have to either 1) live with a stranger or 2) move. Both are options that steal my freedom. Big Sally represents potential roommates as a collective. I don’t want to deal with you, yet, I must, as this is the law of the jungle we inhabit. You shake me down for info, when all you really want is housing. I explore potential shankings, because all I really want is half my rent covered. And we’ll thrash each other until one of us relents and the pecking order of cohabitation is established.

The Jell-o represents the prize of having a roommate on my own terms. It’s never as sweet as you think it will be, but it’s better than nothing and the only respite I’ll get from my confines. The fly? That’s all the “what if”s… and I’ll have to ponder them, but I can’t ever have them, because once you’re in a lease with one person, you’re stuck.

As for being women in general, it’s two sets of chains in one. That of being a con, the other from being a minority who even on the freest of days may not have the same rights as the majority. Subjugated and stereotyped to the point where you doubt your peers, though they could be the same as you–and vice versa. Jail isn’t always lived between the bars.

This is what it was like when I looked for a roommate on Craigslist.org and encountered, and even generated, racism.

IF YOU NEED A LAUGH, check out the “Housing Wanted” section of LA’s Craiglist. The glowing descriptions will brighten your day, especially when you remember that these people are looking for housing and not just describing themselves. By the way, if you’re a gay male nudist who’d like to live with another gay male nudist, this is a system that works. But there was only one, so act fast.

I’d surrendered myself to the circumstances. My roommate was moving out. I really liked my apartment, and I didn’t want someone random to come in and ruin the place. But I didn’t know anyone personally who was looking for housing, and my friends had no referrals to offer.

Enter Craigslist. I’d heard that there were good people out there. You just had to search. For hours. For days. For life.

MY ROOMMATE REQUIREMENTS: very clean, responsible, pays bills on time, keeps the apartment drug-free, no pets, someone moving forward in life, and no one too old. That should describe a fair chunk of the LA populace, I thought, with so many up-and-comers out here.

Some people seemed nice, but didn’t have jobs or money. In which case, they didn’t have any choice but to be nice. Some people wanted only female roommates, or they had cats, or they were old enough to be my father. I needed to refine things.

So, as you knew I would, I typed “Indian” into the search. I then felt compelled to add “not racist” to the personal requirements:

$2000 $2000 REWARD (Tarzana CA)
Reply to: hous-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-xx-xx, 4:10PM PDT

Please do not rent your room to this person, Gaurav, 5′ 11″, an Indian who works at the Harborpoint company at Grayden Ave, in Tarzana, He hacked my computers - he check his company address email account on a Sunday night, and deleted the whole registry of Windows 2000, the computer would not start, the computer booth and then sut down, it is not working. He did the same thing on Saturday evening, except he cleared box of files in another desktop computer, now i am left with nop computer at home.

He also likes to eat everything you buy or cook at home, he would put his fingers into your food, before moving in he used to eat bread and peanut butter, as soon as he moved in and look around and found anything he likes he will eat it, he also has the annoying habit of talking to the neighbors when he likes, and going behind your back to say bad things about you to the neighbors or anyone who listens, when you confront him he will deny it, and he causes fights between you and your neighbors

Please stay away from this wacko, mental no good person, do not let your room to this person.

In facdt do not let your room to Indians peroid, for they are dirty, they will make your toilet stinky, going to the bathroom a lot, the whold bathroom stinks after they use it, and will not clean up after themselves after using bathroom.

AND THE FOOD THEY COOK, LORD HELP ME, I WANT TO THROW THEIR FOOD AWAY, AND THEY PAY ONLY $400 and suck you

just stay away peroid

It appeared he had deep-seated issues unrelated to grammar. Even if this Gaurav character was a thieving, scandal-mongering bum, I didn’t know that all Indians 1) were dirty 2) made toilets stinky 3) used the bathroom frequently 4) did not clean up after themselves post-bathroom 5) suck you.

Whatever. I flagged the post and moved on. LA rednecks are a funny diversion from having my head bashed in by Big Sally.

TIME PASSED with no luck. After a few more hours, though, I found someone looking for the room type and price I offered:

I need a room or a studio house!!

Hi !

My name is Balki. I am 24 year-old/Male - international student.

I finished my university education-sports academy degree

I used to play basketball and then i worked at Basketball Women National Team as a Manager in my country.

i do a lot of sports ( basketball, soccer, table tennis and especially scuba diving) i am also a rescue scuba diver.

I have been taking english course for 4 months at UCI.

I am looking for an apartment to live.

–i am a non-smoker!
–i am very clean!
–i have no pets!
–i am friendly and funny!

I am interested in your apartments. if it’s possible, i wanna see it…

Thanks
Balki Batrak

Wouldn’t you want this guy as a roommate?

Then take him. I mashed the “back” button on my browser.

But I had to ask, what about his post frightened me off? Well, he didn’t mention a source of income. Or is it that his spelling and punctuation aren’t great? Still, his email’s organized, he states his good qualities, etc. Maybe because he’s a student (in “sports”)? Or was it the word before “student”?

Yes. I was leery because he was an international who didn’t speak great English (”Rent? What that is? I did not understand…”).

But, look at the other reasons listed above. Had his English been perfect, I still would have been concerned.

No, not as much.

ANOTHER DAY, and I had yet to find a suitable potential roommate. Why didn’t I, my friend suggested, put up a posting stating what I wanted and let the prospects come to me? Good idea. I made sure to mention that I was Indian so that no racists would apply.

Some people worked, some didn’t. Then, a fellow desi emailed me:

Hi,

I am Nitin- 29 yr Straight from India and just moved to Santa monica, joined Tech soft as a software programmer. I am looking for a place. Please let me know if this place is available.

Thanks,

Nitin Tabu

You couldn’t have paid me to hit “reply.”

I thought back to the summer I had to share an apartment with an IBI (India-born Indian). Does being born abroad make you dirty? Of course not. But is there a correlation with people having servants and never learning responsibility and how to wipe their own asses and these same people having dirty homes? YES.

Upon move in (where I replaced another IBI), I had to empty the room of crumpled tissues. I told myself they were used for snot and not other fluids. I went to throw them away in the bathroom, which had a black linoleum floor. Didn’t know linoleum came in black? It doesn’t. A concerted scrubbing barely made it a few shades lighter. I didn’t attempt to redeem the shower, which was darker than I was, choosing to don chappals instead.

I could go into how garbage was strewn about the apartment, how the kitchen was a large piece of mold, or how I enjoyed the company of a cockroach I saw more than the DBD with whom I lived. I won’t do that.

However, this Nitin character didn’t earn any points with his terse email, which never spoke to any of my main points about being clean, responsible, etc.

Typical Indo dude, all about what he wants, not what he brings.

Bastards!

I now imagined myself as an inmate at the “Housing Offered” Penitentiary as well as a desi woman looking to get hitched.

Prison four times over.

Read Part 2.